


Joker and Harley Make a Sex Tape

by EndoratheWitch



Series: Gotham Nights [32]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, Harley Quinn (Comics), The Joker - Fandom
Genre: Chocolate Syrup, F/M, Food Kink, Food Sex, Gratuitous Smut, Oral Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Sex Tapes, Whipped Cream, cherries, nonabusive Joker and Harley Quinn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:26:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25277680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndoratheWitch/pseuds/EndoratheWitch
Summary: Joker wants to send a sex tape to Batman.
Relationships: Joker (DCU) & Harleen Quinzel, Joker (DCU)/Harleen Quinzel
Series: Gotham Nights [32]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/551110
Comments: 21
Kudos: 54





	Joker and Harley Make a Sex Tape

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cjb16](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cjb16/gifts).



“Are you sure about this puddin?” 

Harley frowned from where she sat on the bed holding the sheet up over her naked breasts. Sitting on the bedside table next to her sat a can of whipped cream, a bottle of chocolate syrup, a bowl of cherries, a large slice of chocolate cake with white frosting decorated with colorful candies, candy flavored lube, and one, sprinkled, frosted doughnut. 

Wearing a pair of green and orange polka dotted boxers--and nothing else--Joker was adjusting the video camera that he had on the tripod. 

He giggled making sure the camera was aimed just right at the bed. “Oh this is going to be great sweets!! Just you wait!” 

Harley did not look convinced. “Why are we making a sex tape again?” 

“Well…” Joker sauntered over to the bed after he certain the camera had started to film. “...because we are awesome in bed! We deserve to be filmed poo! We’d put the porn industry out of business if Joker and Harley Quinn sex tapes were on the market…” He frowned. “Though I don’t think I want to do that...I don’t want anyone seeing my pumpkin naked except me...I would have to kill a lot of people. Which is fine, of course, but even if I killed them I would know they saw you naked.” He growled a little as the idea annoyed him before he added. “Though we are sending one to Batman!” He threw himself onto the bed causing Harley to squeal as the bed and Joker bounced for a couple of seconds. He rolled onto his back with a wide grin next to her. 

“I don’t know puddin...why send one to Batman?” Harley frowned, clearly unhappy with this idea, but not really sure how to argue him out of it. 

Joker only laughed. “Oh, I don’t mind sending him one because he’ll be so frigid about it. His little sphincter will tighten right up!” Joker illustrated by shooting a finger in the air while spinning it around. “Batsy probably falls over from blood loss when all his blood rushes to his penis for an unfamiliar hard on! And the most important reason...it would irritate him.” He smiled at the thought of an irritated Batman. 

Joker rolled onto his side, tugging the sheet away to reveal Harley’s full breasts and luscious hips. “But mostly it’s for us poo. You know how college football coaches watch games to see what they can do better? Well, this is sorta like that…” Joker waggled his eyebrows at her while caressing her side with his fingertips. “You know, just to see if there is anything I can do to improve my performance.” 

Harley giggled and wiggled a little before she sank down to roll onto her side and face him. “You don’t need improvement puddin.” 

“Aww...my sweet pumpkin...you’re right; I don’t.” Joker grinned at her then rolled away yelling. “OW oW!!” when she smacked him in the shoulder. “Stop beating me unless you’re gonna tie me up and make it fun!” Joker giggled then yelped again as Harley smacked his ass when he rolled away from her. 

“Evil woman!!” Joker yelled laughing as Harley giggled and grabbed his boxers. 

“If we are making a sex tape, then you need to get these off!” 

Joker snickered, smacking her hands away. “Impatient woman!” 

Harley simply wrinkled her nose at him while he arched his rear off the bed and pulled the boxers down, sliding them down his legs and kicking them off with his feet before he flopped back down. 

“So, pumpkin…” He glanced over at their table of goodies. “...you never did tell me what the doughnut was for…” 

Harley giggled rolling over to pluck the doughnut off the table. “Oh this...lie back and I’ll show you. It’ll be fun, I promise.” 

Joker’s blue eyes widened in anticipation as he did exactly what his girl said, laid back with a grin in anticipation. Harley got up on her knees with the doughnut in her hand, walking on her knees closer to him. Joker spread his legs wide for her so she could crawl over. He put his hands behind his head resting against the pillow, watching her, his grin widening a little more as she settled down between his pale legs. He was already hard for her; just looking at her naked did that to him. But then getting to watch her move around, naked, beautiful--how could he not be? 

Harley grinned impishly at him as she sat between his legs and licked the edge of the doughnut while keeping her sparkling blue eyes on him. Joker watched her intently, his gaze tracing her pink tongue sliding across the edges of the chocolate frosting. He swallowed while still grinning. Watching Harley lick anything was sexy--especially if that anything happened to be him--but watching her lick a doughnut was pretty nice too. 

Harley’s eyes snaked over to him, that same impish smile on her face. She turned her attention to him instead of the doughnut and to his complete surprise, she slowly lowered the doughnut down over his erection. It was a little tight, but she got the doughnut partway down on him. 

“So ah…” Joker looked down at the doughnut on his erection then back to Harley while wiggling his hips. “What’s the game?” 

Harley giggled and purred. “I get to eat the doughnut.” 

Keeping her impish smile in place Harley lowered her mouth down on the head of his erection and sucked gently. 

Joker’s eyes rolled with pleasure, a low groan coming from him as his legs stiffened a little when she nibbled on the head of his erection. God she was good, she was always so good, he thought dreamily, a silly grin on his face that was quickly replaced with a jerk and a groan. 

Sucking just the soft skinned tip of his erection and listening to Joker’s moaning made Harley hot. She could feel the flow of juices between her legs and her nipples felt overly sensitive. When she leaned close to her husband, one of her nipples brushed against him and the sensation felt like an explosion of sexual fire that burned straight through her. She ran her hands up his thighs to his hips, pressing her fingers into his pale skin while at the same time she nibbled lightly on him. She glanced up and smiled when she saw him lying with his head pressed back against the pillows. He had dropped his hands to his sides, his fingers balled into fists holding onto the sheet while she sucked on the head of his erection with pleasure. Joker was so damn sexy she thought with a soft moan. She loved seeming him laid out in front of her, naked, turned on and all hers. Joker was all hers, her lover, her partner, her soul mate. 

She loved him so much the feeling was a physical ache. 

Harley ran her tongue over just his tip, flicking her tongue back and forth slowly, caressing the small slit, tasting a hint of his cum against her tongue. That made her moan softly. She loved doing this to him, loved feeling him in her mouth. She continued to focus her attention for a few more moments, enjoying the satin softness of the head of his shaft before she gently lowered her mouth down on him. She relaxed, taking him into her mouth until her lips and the tip of her nose brushed the frosting of the doughnut . Smiling, Harley bobbed her head gently, sucking slowly up, then down again, her lips pressed against the chocolate frosting before she pulled her mouth up again, smearing a little bit of chocolate along the way. 

Joker pushed himself up on his elbows, biting his bottom lip as he struggled not to just explode now and ruin everything. That would look pretty bad on tape! He could just hear Batman talking about how Joker had no control or that Robin...whichever Robin it was...laughing at him. Besides, cumming early would mean he’d have to wait to be inside his Harley. Nope. Gotta hold off no matter how good his pumpkin was with her lips and tongue and no matter how sexy she looked, bent over his shaft, smearing chocolate frosting on his erection. 

Bobbing slowly one more time, Harley stopped and grinned at him. Joker lifted a brow, about to ask what she was going to do when she leaned down and took a bite out of the doughnut. He grinned watching her as she wrinkled her nose at him, her lips smeared with chocolate. Before she swallowed, Harley wrapped her lips around him again and sucked him into her mouth. 

Joker shuddered in pleasure. He could feel the sensation of dough in her mouth as she rolled her tongue and the gooey pastry around his member. He shivered as she sucked on him before swallowing, which caused another entirely different sensation that made him gasp and groan. 

“Harley...uh…” He closed his eyes for a moment. “That feels so good…” 

Harley giggled and took another bite of the doughnut, chewing and swallowing before she licked her lips, catching some of the frosting. “I think next time I should get a filled doughnut, maybe bavarian cream or jelly...make your penis extra sweet and slick,” she purred, her eyes dancing with mischief. 

“I’ll send Bob out for doughnuts in the morning!” Joker exclaimed with a bright smile that made Harley giggle. 

She rotated the doughnut around his shaft, making Joker shiver before she took another bite. She dipped her finger into the frosting and smeared a line of chocolate frosting up the length of his erection, then covered the satin soft head of his shaft in chocolate frosting while she chewed her bite of doughnut. 

The entire time Harley played with him and the doughnut, Joker jerked and twitched and groaned. His damn erection felt hot enough he was surprised he wasn’t melting the frosting. Harley took another bite of the doughnut before she licked the frosting off of him, taking her time to explore every part of his shaft, the tip of her tongue sliding along the curves around the head of his erection, then slowly flicking against the small opening again, and smiling each time Joker grunted or jerked. She took another bite of the pastry, catching the doughnut as if it fell off his erection. 

She grinned at him as she leaned over to feed him the last bite. 

Joker grinned back opening his mouth to receive the treat. 

“There...now let’s make sure you’re all clean…” Harley growled tenderly, her blue eyes sparkling. 

Joker grinned around the bite of doughnut in his mouth. “Yes ma’am.” 

Grasping his erection in one hand, Harley ran her tongue up one side of his erection, then the other, her eyes on him each time she licked him. 

Groaning, biting his bottom lip after swallowing his bite, Joker shuddered. The twin sensations of her mouth and the tickle of her soft hair against his skin made not climaxing a struggle. Paired with those eyes of hers...this was going to be how he died...with Harley’s mouth around his dick! 

Taking her time to lick off the frosting in long, tender licks, Harley winked at Joker. Joker shuddered while watching her, feeling the warm tickle building in his groin, simmering waiting to break free like a caged animal and spread everywhere. But once Harley was satisfied that she had gotten all of the chocolate frosting off of him, she leaned over and grabbed the can of whipped cream. 

Joker groaned dropping back against the pillows. “Harley...I don’t think...” 

“Shh...too much talking--we’re filming,” she purred giving the can a shake before she sprayed the cream, covering his penis in the cool, sticky cream and building herself a creamy tower. 

Joker shuddered, biting down harder on his bottom lip while Harley sprayed more whipped cream on his balls followed by her spraying a line of creamy goo along his pale flat stomach to his chest where she sprayed some around his nipples. After placing the can of whipped cream back on the table beside the bed, she reached over and grabbed a cherry, pulling out the stem which she tossed. She placed the cherry between her lips and leaned over Joker, her hands on either side of his head as she held her body up over his whipped cream covered torso, though he could feel her groin brush against his whipped cream covered penis. 

“Take it,” she said with the cherry in her mouth. 

Joker grinned and took the cherry that Harley passed him. She giggled, wrinkling her nose at him again before she leaned down to lick the whipped cream off his nipple. Joker moaned around the cherry he was chewing on. Harley’s tongue was hot and the cream a cool contrast followed by the air of the room cooling his skin where she had licked him. The mix of sensations felt erotic and made him smile. When he felt Harley’s teeth brush against his nipple, he hissed, his erection jerking a little and smearing cream against her belly. 

Harley giggled with pleasure and performed the same series of licks and bites to his other nipple causing goosebumps to appear over Joker’s ghost pale skin before she began to lick and bite her way down his torso, smearing as much whipped cream as she was eating. 

She nipped at his belly before she arrived back down at his erection. She nibbled the side of his shaft, licking whipped cream off him as she laid down flat on her stomach. She leaned in and caught his balls in her mouth, forcing Joker to bend his legs at the knee while her tongue caressed his soft skin, licking and sucking him clean as she slid her free hand under him to squeeze his ass while she devoted her attention to his balls. She took them completely into her mouth, first one, then focusing on the other, rolling her tongue over him until Joker was pounding his fists occasionally on the mattress while he struggled to hold back his climax. 

“Harley!” Joker groaned loudly when she sucked at the base of his shaft, alternating with a light brush of her teeth. 

Harley’s head popped up and pronounced with satisfaction. “Okay, you’re clean...enough.” 

She giggled then squealed as Joker sat up and reached for her. He grasped her by her arms tightly as he hauled her forward, his strength always surprising her when he pulled her up, pulled her around, and pushed her onto her back against the mattress. Joker pressed his body down on top of hers. He was breathing heavy, hissing through his teeth as he struggled for control. She could see the blaze of need in his blue eyes, almost savage with its intensity. 

“Puddin, you okay?” Harley asked, a thread of concern in her voice. 

The urge to drive her into the mattress was an imperative. He needed to be inside her, fucking her, but after a few heavy breaths Joker grinned. “My turn.” 

Harley giggled with anticipation. She loved that she could inspire such desire in her puddin. 

Reaching over, Joker grabbed the chocolate syrup. “Ah...here we go...some chocolate syrup...then some cake I think…” He sat back on his knees looking down at her and smirked. Harley giggled back at him, her eyes wide with mischief, clearly ready for whatever he wanted. Joker smirked and pulled the top off the lid of the syrup, turned it over. He frowned, waiting for a moment as the syrup slowly pooled at the lip before it slowly oozed free and dropped. 

Harley gasped when the first drop hit her skin right between her breasts. 

It was cool and a little sticky. Once the first drop fell, that seemed to get the chocolate syrup flowing. 

Joker’s smile stretched across his pale face as he began to draw on her with the stream of syrup, circling her nipples with the gooey liquid, causing Harley to shiver. He drew a large swirling circle over her stomach which he connected the dark lines to her hips. Slowly he traced her groin with the chocolate before he moved back a little, tugging her legs open and moving to sit between them. 

Harley shivered as Joker gently pulled her open a little more, his fingers sliding softly between her imitate lips to drip the chocolate syrup over her clitoris. 

“That’s cold puddin,” Harley murmured. 

Joker chuckled. “Don't worry sweets, I’ll warm you right up. You just lie still and let me enjoy my dessert.” 

After he finished with the syrup he grabbed the can of whipped cream and gave it a good shake before he sat up, leaning over her to spray the cream over her chocolate covered breasts, then along her pelvis and finally between her legs--just a little bit--enough to mix with the chocolate. 

“And now for the pièce de résistance!” He grabbed a few cherries, placing one on each breast where her nipples would be. 

He sat back and admired his work. “Mmm...I really do love dessert--my favorite meal of the day!” 

Licking his lips, Joker purred as he leaned over her, steadying himself on his hands over her before he leaned down and plucked the cheery off one of her breasts with his lips. 

Harley giggled in response as he ate the cherry, his lips and the tip of his nose smeared with whipped cream. “Dessert’s my favorite meal too puddin.” 

Joker waggled his green eyebrows at her while chewing the cherry before leaning down to snag the other cherry with his teeth. 

“It is divine, isn’t it?” he asked before leaning down to lick her breast, not just a small lick, but a full lick, using the flat of his tongue to drag across her breast and through the syrup and cream, creating a slick sensation that made Harley shiver. 

Harley shivered again as his warm tongue circled through the whipped cream and chocolate syrup, tracing out designs against her skin and over her nipple. Circling carefully, Joker used the tip of his tongue to play across the sensitive surface of her nipple. The sensation felt erotic, sending waves of tickling heat to her clitoris. His tongue circled her nipple slowly, slipping and sliding through the creamy goo, twirling around her nipple until his wife shuddered. 

“Oh look! Another cherry!” he declared, shooting her another steamy look before he gently tugged at her nipple with his lips. 

Harley wiggled and gasped, fingers digging into the sheets as he tugged gently at her nipple with his red lips. He let her nipple go a moment later only to lather the sensitive, pink bud with his tongue even more. Moaning, Harley squirmed. The heat between her legs was building, especially when he repeated the gesture on her other breast, playing with her nipple until she was whimpering and her clitoris throbbed with her desire for him. 

“Puddin…” she hissed while Joker turned his attention to tracing the trail of chocolate down her body. He carefully followed the trail he had painted, flicking his tongue against her warm skin, gently biting her stomach until he had made his way to her groin. 

He smiled, lying down on his stomach between her legs, licking the soft spot between her thigh and pelvis where some of the chocolate had dripped down slowly, making a trail of sweet dessert over her skin. 

Reaching up, Joker ran his pale finger through some of the chocolate and the pale cream that reminded him of her body and slowly painted her clitoris. 

Harley shivered as his slick, gooey fingers brushed against her clitoris; the sensation made her ache. 

“Mm...a little chocolate covered cherry,” he mused gazing at her sex. “So pretty…” he purred. “My candy coated pumpkin pie…” he stuck his finger in his mouth, sucking away the chocolate and cream just as Harley pushed herself up onto her elbows to look down at him. 

Joker gave Harley a wicked smile. He loved the way she looked, her blonde hair a tousled mess, some of her hair over one eye, her lips red and slightly swollen from kissing, the color high on her cheeks, and her eyes. Oh, her eyes were a steaming, bright, electric blue that radiated lust and love. He loved it when she looked that way, ready to tear into him, openly communicating her need and want for him just through her pretty eyes. Harley wanted him. He loved that because he wanted her; his groin pulsed with how much he wanted her. 

Joker smirked, waggling his eyebrows at her while he sucked on his finger. “My favorite dessert is chocolate, cream, and a little bit of juice.” 

Harley giggled and bit her bottom lip, their eyes locked just as Joker leaned in and dragged his tongue over her without breaking eye contact. 

Harley let out a low, shuddering moan, her eyelids closing. His tongue felt incredible, firm, yet soft and hot, but when Joker started to lick her with more determination, his tongue flat against her, she gasped, her fingers once more digging into the sheets. 

Joker slid one of his arms under her leg, pulling himself closer to her sex. He began tracing her sex with his tongue before gently tugging, sucking on her intimate lips with his lips. He kissed her, his lips gentle before he flicked his tongue against her swollen clitoris. Harley jerked in his grasp and sucked in a breath before she moaned long and loud. He smiled at the sweet little sounds she made. He kept his lips against her clitoris, tasting chocolate, whipped cream, and the sweet fluids of his wife when she came, all of the flavors mixing into a heady combination as Harley gyrated her hips in reaction to his tongue’s attention. 

Digging in more thoroughly, Joker clasped her clitoris between his lips and sucked long and deep, making Harley jerk and shudder. She let go of the sheets with one hand to reach down for him, her fingers sliding into his hair, tugging, her legs opening wider as an orgasm rippled over her like the tide coming in. 

She cried out on yet another orgasm that quickly followed, thrusting her pelvis toward him. For a moment she was sure she blacked out just for a second or two, but at the same time Joker slipped a finger into the wet, slick opening of her sex. He added another finger, thrusting his fingers firmly into her, grinning and groaning when she cried out. His touch produced a combination of titillating, delightful sensations that were almost more than Harley could bear. 

Joker’s groan vibrated up through Harley’s entire body, feeding her orgasms until she wasn’t sure where one stopped and another started. She cried out, whimpering, begging for him, her body both satisfied and longing, while the ache between her legs grew. She needed him to pound into her, she needed her Joker to fuck her. 

“Puddin...oh...please…!!” She added her other hand to his hair, pulling and tugging at him while thrusting toward him as he licked her clean. 

He kissed her sex, then placed a gentle kiss against the soft skin of her inner thigh before he raised his head and asked with a hint of mischief on his now shiny, slick, and wet smile, “Do you want me poo?” 

Harley looked down at him releasing her hold on his hair as she hissed. “Sometimes you ask stupid questions puddin.” 

Joker looked mock offended while kissing her inner thigh again. “I do? Me? Never!” 

“You do,” she affirmed. “If you don’t fuck me now, I’m going to throw you to the floor and fuck you silly,” Harley threatened with a grin and a growl. 

“Harley! We’re on camera! Such language. Besides, I’m already silly....but, if you are going to insist I suppose I could be persuaded give you a good fucking…” He giggled, crawling back up her body and laying across her before he kissed her. 

The kiss was deep, tender, yet laced with burning lust. Harley could taste the combinations of flavors on his lips, chocolate, whipped cream, a little bit of cherry and her own special flavor. Joker reached around to grab her hair, kissed her harder. His erection felt hot where he pressed against her slick skin. He held her, reaching down to slide his shaft into her. Harley bucked and groaned with pleasure when his erection glided into her to fill the aching void inside her. She grabbed his shoulders, pressing her fingers into his pale skin and held on, kissing him back hungrily. 

He grabbed one of her legs, pushing her limb back against her chest and started to thrust hard and deep into her. 

He tried to slow himself down, but Joker couldn’t. Once he was inside Harley, feeling her surrounding his throbbing erection, his willpower vanished. The build up had been too great. She was hot, slick and soft, and he wanted--needed to fuck his wife hard. He thrust with abandon, flesh smacking against flesh. 

Harley stroked his shoulders and looked up at him, her eyes glowing, her blonde hair a mess as she moaned his name. “Joker...oh...Joker...” Her grip tightened on his shoulders, her hips rose up, and her body tightened around him when she came. He felt that rush of her juices, hot against his erection that made her feel even slicker. He thrust harder, gasping her name. 

“Harley...uh...Harley...” 

Joker looked down at her, his beautiful wife, their bodies smacking together combined with the wet sounds of their fucking until he just couldn’t take anymore. His pleasure peaked and burst. He gasped, arching his hips for a tense moment, his erection pulsing as he emptied into her while thrusting a few more times. Harley cried out holding onto him, her fingers pressing hard enough into his skin that she probably bruised him, until they both collapsed. 

Joker dropped like a weight against her, releasing her leg in order to wrap his arms around her head and kissed her. 

Harley whimpered as tiny quakes continued to make her jerk gently under him. She wrapped her arms around him, holding her Joker close to her, returning his kisses sweetly. 

Rubbing his nose against hers, Joker murmured. “I love you sweets, my hot, sweet and sticky, my candy baby.” 

He snickered when Harley laughed and groaned. “I hate that song!” 

* 

Alfred hurried down into the batcave. He delicately held a package in his hands as if he were afraid that what he held might be explosive. 

When he arrived in the batcave, he saw Batman sitting at the computer, his cowl off his head, laying against his back as he read through police reports. Tim sat beside him, dressed in his Robin costume, but without the mask for the moment. The two looked like carbon copies of each other, sitting in their chairs staring at the computer in front of them, one hand under their chins. 

Alfred cleared his throat to get their attention. 

Bruce glanced over with a lifted dark brow. “Alfred?” 

“Sir, this package arrived a few minutes ago through our...bat channels. I put it through the usual tests, it seems harmless…” He frowned and added, “It’s from the Joker and Harley Quinn.” 

Batman frowned and put his hand out for the package. 

That package was wrapped in brown paper, tape, nothing unusual. The address was written in crayon on the package: Batsy, Gotham, somewhere dark and damp that smells of bat poopoo. The package had been decorated with crayon bats. 

Tim looked over. “What is it you think?” 

Batman frowned. “I doubt it's a bomb--Alfred would have found something if it was incendiary...we’ll put it in the glove box to open it.” 

* 

A few minutes later, the three of them were standing around the glove box as Batman slid his hands into the attached gloves and picked up the box within the chamber. He frowned and slowly opened the package. It the wrapping paper was a simple shoebox, inside of which he discovered a VHS tape that read: FOR BATMAN painted on the black plastic case. 

Batman frowned, then turned to Tim. “We should have a VHS player and an old TV in the storage. Get Alfred to help you.” 

Tim nodded and hurried off with Alfred while Batman removed his hands from the gloves and opened the chamber. He withdrew the tape with a furrowed brow. “Now what could this be?” he asked himself quietly, figuring it must be a clue to a big crime Joker was planning. The clown had sent him clues before, usually when he had something grandiose planned. 

Batman frowned and carried the tape into the main room of the batcave. 

* 

The three of them sat in front of the television and the ancient looking VCR as Batman slid the tape into the player. 

“You think this is a clue?” Tim asked excitedly. 

Batman nodded. “Yes.” 

There was white fuzzy screen for a few seconds before a makeshift card appeared on the screen announcing in big, bold green and red letters: 

JOKER AND HARLEY QUINN’S SEX TAPE 

Alfred’s eyebrows raised in surprise. 

Bruce frowned and muttered. “What?” 

Tim blushed bright red. 

Just as Batman stood up ready to pop the tape out Joker jumped in front of the screen, grabbing the camera that was filming, causing it to jerk for a moment. The clown wore one of his classic purple and green suits. 

“BOO!!” Joker yelled and waved at the screen while laughing. “Hey Batsy!! Haha!! I would give a million dollars to see your face right now!! I bet you thought you were really getting a sex tape didn’t you?!” Joker laughed hard enough to bring tears to the clown’s eyes. In the background Harley could be heard snickering. 

Joker grinned, wiping the tears from his eyes. “That’s so funny...almost makes me wish I had sent you our tape, but…Get your mind out of the gutter Bats!!” He gave the camera a stern look, wagging a finger at the screen before laughing again. “You’re my best buddy, but after the fun Harley and I had making our sex tape, I decided I wasn’t sharing.” He shrugged. “Sorry Bats, I know we’re friends, but no one gets to enjoy Harley’s delights but me. You see, I’m a selfish man.” 

He grinned a little brighter at the screen. 

“Oh puddin!” Harley cooed off screen. 

Joker blew Harley a kiss by kissing his fingers and blowing on them in her direction. He smiled at her winking and pretending to catch something (Harley had clearly blown him a kiss back) before turning back to the screen. 

“BUT!!” Joker gestured with his hand, pointing into the air dramatically. “I didn’t want to disappoint you so...Harley, hit the music!” Joker looked over at Harley who was still off screen. 

There was the sound of something being moved, then music began to play in the background. Joker swayed his hips to the song… 

Batman frowned...Sheena Easton, he thought with confusion, but then Joker started to sing along. 

“Blood races to your private spots 

Lets me know there's a fire 

You can't fight passion when passion is hot 

Temperatures rise inside my sugar walls 

Let me take you somewhere you've never been 

I can show you things you've never seen 

I can make you never want to fall in love again 

Come spend the night inside my sugar walls…” 

* 

Joker picked up a doughnut with one hand making sure to show the doughnut off, a chocolate frosted one with sprinkles. Next he held up a hotdog with the other hand, showing it off while wiggling his eyebrows. He smirked at the screen, and it seemed somehow his eyes were right on Batman as he started to put the hot dog through the doughnut’s hole. 

Tim blinked in surprise while Alfred shook his head. 

While the song played Joker started to make obnoxious sex noises while shoving the hotdog through the doughnut hole at the same time. Harley Quinn could be heard giggling off screen. 

Batman groaned. “Turn it off.”


End file.
